Five Pounds and The End of All Good Things

If I could travel back to a couple of months ago, I wouldn’t choose to do anything extraordinary for the good of humanity, like warn the Sochi people about their fifth Olympic circle, or urge Leo to ditch the Oscars night and hit the bars instead. Nope, I’d rather rush to meet my super duper hot former self, only to grab the bag of crisps out of her hand and give her a good slap.

This needs to stop, I’d tell her. It needs to stop now or you’ll end up like me. She’d then have a good look at her chubby future self, understand the enormity of the tragedy looming over her sexy figure, and never touch a crisp again.

Believe it or not, time machines are not easy to come by these days. And I probably wouldn’t fit in one anyway. Because guess what, I’ve gained not one, not two, but FIVE pounds since autumn of 2013. Of course I could pretend I have no idea how this came to happen, and conveniently blame it on my super duper stressful let’s-call-it-career-but-we-know-it’s-a-joke or my stupid aging cells, but I’d rather be fat than fat and kidding myself. So as I was facing the evil digits on my scale screen the other day, I decided something needed to change. I mean, it’s been hard enough being short as a bar stool all my life. Now I’m turning into an over-sized beanbag, and it’s really not the sexiest of looks.

So this week has been interesting. Interestingly tasteless.

I’ve given up each and every food my will to live has so far depended on. I’d have replaced everything in our fridge with tons of leafy, super-scrumptious-in-theory things some of which I’ve rarely tried before, if V. hadn’t fought me tooth and nail to keep his yummy half of the fridge intact. Who would have thought crossing fridge boundaries was such a relationship no no. So now every time I open it to get myself a helping of chopped greens or my I-call-it-desert-but-it’s-just-a-carrot-and-it-makes-me-so-sad, I face the colors and smells of countless temptations crammed into his half of the fridge. Not to mention that, in truly brilliant fashion, I also unknowingly started on my diet from hell on the eve Pancake Day, and have been dreaming of sledding down mountains of pancakes every night since. Fun and games.

It’s not all bad. It’s true, I think I may just be developing allergic reactions to spinach and broccoli, but I’m sure I’ll lose the extra pounds in, like, a day and a half at most, and then I’ll be free to stuff myself with pancakes for 24 hours straight. That’s how this works, right? Tell me that’s how this works!

That’s right, ignore my cries for mercy and go back to chomping your tasty forbidden snacks, I’ve brought this onto myself after all. I’ll try to keep the dieting up for as long as it takes/I can, and though I’ll try to document it throughout, I might miss a post or two due to carrot binge eating sessions or fighting through terrible bouts of Doritos withdrawal.

I’m off now, it’s just about lunch time here in Spinach Land, and there’s a lovely leafy casserole with my name on it in the office fridge. YUM!

7 thoughts on “Five Pounds and The End of All Good Things

  1. Friendly advice from a budding beanbag: you don’t necessarily need to eat only green stuff that’s not appealing. The secret is to exercise (I’ve started with Jillian Michael’s 30-day shred, it only requires 30 min each day and trust me, it’s not so bad), stop eating crappy food (pizza, crisps etc.), cook more (homemade food is definitely healthier than all that nasty takeaway or even restaurant food – homemade pizza is just amazing), don’t eat after 6 or 7pm (depending on when you get home) and invest in a juicer to get all those lovely nutrients from green stuff that’s combined with yummy fruit (I recommend Jason Vale’s recipes). The answer is not a strict diet, just moderation (I know it’s difficult, but practice makes perfect). I’ve just started to implement these changes, but I definitely feel much better. Of course, having a partner who’s not stuffing his face with crappy food in front of you certainly helps 😉

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    • A juicer is definitely on my shopping list though I don’t know how I’ll manage to make room for it, with my kitchen all piled up with V.’s yummy cornflake-chocolate-candy-crisp stashes! 🙂 As for exercising, I’ve been walking home instead of taking the bus & tube in the evenings, and been hitting the gym for an hour of running every other day. I’d do it every day, but someone needs to deal with all the laundry, facebooking and nail painting going on in our flat! 😀

      Honestly, it hasn’t been that bad so far (to be fair, it’s only been a few days so I’d better stop bragging! 🙂 ). Grrr, I just really miss my daily Doritos fix!!!

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  2. I definitely think a balanced diet will help you on a long run, more than living in Spinachland.
    I don’t do diets, because I am unable to restrain myself from eating things when I’m hungry 🙂
    The best way to keep myself within human shape limits and not turn into an orange-on-sticks, is to stop eating after 8 at night, never miss breakfast (though I do sometimes, due to lack of time) and eat often but not too much.
    My rounder-shaped friends were keeping diets all their lives, and from what I’ve seen, it never works for long. I’m not trying to destroy your green leafy dream, I’m just saying.
    Good luck with your new hobby and let us know how it works 🙂

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    • Well, I’m glad to say it seems to actually be working, as painful as it is. 🙂 I’ve never really had an unbalanced diet and I think I’ve been a lot more careful about it since moving to UK (so much more culinary temptations around here!), so I’ve never strayed too far from my ideal weight. Except now. I’m rather new in Diet Land, and can’t say I like it here, but hey, a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. 😀

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