Remember how you used to smirk at those poor January enthusiasts and their foot long New Year’s Resolutions lists? Silly things like I’m gonna give up the only habit that keeps me from going mental and erupting into the deranged chicken dance in the middle of a crowded tube car? Remember how you thought they were bound to break their ridiculous aspirations within a week and get back to their less than perfect little lives?
Well, I’ve got news for you. It’s high time you committed to a list of resolutions of your own. You know, all those nasty things you’ve been carrying around and putting off for years, combined with a heap of new awful habits you’ve picked up along the way. And I know you’d rather not hear it, but you’ve been particularly annoying this past month. Yup. Annoying. You. Now of course, some people may like annoying, but I’m sure you’d rather not carry that lovely trait into your 30s, right? (Whoops, now the whole interwebs knows you’re
old turning 30. The horror.) So anyway, here’s a list of lovely, disgusting things for you to work on before you turn 30 29 again. Nothing big, just stuff that makes people (yourself included) hate your guts.
Here it goes then.
Belated 2014 Resolutions
1. Stop badmouthing your friends.
Sure, they’re annoying as hell. And yes, it feels oh so good to point people’s flaws out behind their backs, shaking your perfect little head at their imperfect little selves like there’s no tomorrow. Newsflash: you haven’t got a perfect little head. In fact, it’s unevenly freckled and rather on the large, melony side. So stop it. No one likes a melon headed jerk.
2. Stop fighting with V about silly stuff.
Now, this is going to be a tough one. I mean, it truly is an earth shattering tragedy that he leaves his tennis bag in the middle of the living room, instead of hiding its ugly dusty ass behind closet doors. And yes, who on earth can take this I-say-I’ll-be-there-in-5-though-I-know-it’ll-take-me-10-horrible-endless-unexcusable-minutes deal forever? It’s unacceptable. But you know what? You need to deal with it. And by that I don’t mean turning your Romanian witch mode on and badgering him until the end of time. Not cool.
3. Get your Sister Act on.
I bet these lovely bloggish people have no idea what a bad sister you’ve been these past couple of months, right? They don’t know that she was, and I quote, a raving b*tch that one time in January, so you refused to talk to her any longer, and flew back to London without even proper goodbyes. Or that she then tried to apologize, but did it in a raving b*tchy way, so of course, you didn’t want to hear it. And that you’ve barely spoken since, most likely because you’re a raving you-know-what too, the two of you being sisters and all. It’s been 4 months, need I even say more?
4. Sleeping Beauty Mission: Possible?
I know there’s a lot going on, but this not sleeping thing is only going to leave you lemur-eyed and wrinkled into a raisin before your time. It’s 2AM on a week day. Just. Move. Away. From. That. Laptop. Surprisingly, it’ll still be there in the morning. (Unless someone steals it but hey, not even you are that unlucky!)
5. Don’t worry, be happy.
Yes. You’ve been looking for a house/flat for what feels like forever. You still haven’t found anything, and with property prices going up like crazy, you’ve actually got less money now as well, despite saving like a maniac.
Oh, and let’s not forget your job. It pays the bills, but stopped making you happy a long time ago, which is always great.
You also need to think about the baby making business, which not only scares you down to your core because hey, it’s scary stuff, but it also usually turns into endless worrying about money, sleepless nights, homes you’ll never afford, not in a million years, and lovely terrifying thoughts in which you end up turning into your mother.
And of course, there’s piles and piles of other stuff. Dishes, laundry, the TFL, flat tyres, rain, tangled hair, price tags, chipped nail polish, other people’s ringtones, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg, why on earth would anyone be anything but miserable?
Oh well. Because there’s also things to be happy about, bla bla. Not convinced? Because it’s one of your Half Year resolutions then, and everybody keeps those!
6. Things add up, and that’s good.
Up until now, I’ve bombarded you with scary (for you, at least), humongous resolutions, but you really shouldn’t forget about the small stuff. So here’s a bunch of tinier things to think about and embark on.
- Do a 5K run. (For those of you who marathon your days away, know that this is going to be a challenge for me. Judge all you want.)
- Do not, I repeat, do NOT go to bed with your hair wet ever again. Exploded morning hairdo is not your best look.
- Do not have any more takeout McDonald’s for dinner. Ever. Twice a month after a no-one-even-remembers-how-many years hiatus is ridiculous, no matter how exhausted/starving you claim to be.
That’s it for now, I’ll add to the pile as soon as I think of more dirty habits to be ashamed of.
How about you? Any exciting resolutions you’ve set yourselves lately?