Don’t Look Up The Sky Is Falling

It’s really cold and I don’t feel like walking the streets.

“Winter feels longer every year”, my mother used to say when I was growing up.

I didn’t understand, what with endless talks of global warming and my permanent lust for snow and a million layers of fabric worn one on top of the other.

Everything about winter, I loved. The crisp smell of ice in the air, the sound of my steps down the arch bridge linking our neighbourhood to the rest of town. Frozen waters underneath, ripples glistening dangerously as far as you could see, from up in the mountains at the mouth of the dam where I’d first tasted fear, and down towards lands unknown, closer to the heart of the country, where all my dreams of setting off on my own ended up taking me back then.

I recently saw some photos of Windsor during the big freeze of ’63. People cycling along a frozen river Thames, blurry arch bridge in the distance, and my first thought was of home and the winters I’d never felt lasted long enough.

These days, it’s really cold.

I’ve been falling ill every other week, killing myself at work, not getting enough sleep, struggling with potentially life altering decisions, and wishing, fervently wishing for this winter to end.

And what this means, I think, is that I’ve outgrown it, my winter love affair. Like I’ve eventually outgrown my end-of-the-world high school crush, and voila, I just might be ready now for a serious, responsible relationship with a less destructive season.

In other news, I have no clue what to do with myself.

I spend my days collecting people’s questions about my present architecture and my plans for the future. Where I see my career going, what makes me happy, what makes me sad, when we’re planning our first kid. They pile up, these wh-word centred topics, and I study them from a distance, breathing in and out at just the right pace, like everything’s absolutely normal and on the inside, I’ve got mountains of perfectly composed answers for everything.

But the truth is, I’m terrified.

I go to this office, I sit in this chair. I type words on this screen, and you know what? I don’t know where my career is going. Or if there’s a career to speak of. Or if it isn’t just a way of filling my days in between insomnias, because there’s plenty of hours out there and what else is a normal person to do but do something, anything with them.

I’m always happy and I’m always sad and that’s probably wrong in so many ways but I can’t help it, because I’ve made mistakes and I’ve made good choices, I’ve wanted things I never got and I’ve gotten things I didn’t know I wanted, and this is what life’s always been for me, a big mess of good and bad I’ve never managed to sort through.

There’s nothing stopping us from trying for a baby these days.

I put it off, ME.

I pluck the thought out of my mind, digging for the roots, burning every stray seed, until there’s no trace left. For a while, at least. And you know why? Because I’m afraid. Terrified, really. I mean, I’m a mess, but I’m also at least somewhat aware of how much of a mess I am, and I realise that adding a baby to the mix is probably not the best idea. So I wait. For what, I don’t know. The smoke to clear, the season to change, something, anything.

Forgive me, today hasn’t been a good day.

14 thoughts on “Don’t Look Up The Sky Is Falling

  1. You are what you are. Don’t be afraid. Joy and don’t look to indifference of winter. It’s just white, but the spring comes with many colours … And straights.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I felt my self sitting right beside you, the mother in me was nudged, can’t help it. My daughter is 34, I was 34 at some point when Caesar ruled Rome. I don’t know your age but you are still a young woman and young or old we’re all a mess at many times throughout our lives, we all question our careers throughout our careers, we continue to question what the hell is going on at crossroads- it doesn’t stop, nor should it. It’s healthy. Be the mess you need to be right now, it won’t last. It’s the process to something coming- change, understanding, awareness. Hugs.

    Liked by 3 people

    • I must say, this brought tears to my eyes.

      I’ve been putting off reading these comments (or re-reading my sky-is-falling impulse entry) until I felt somewhat better. I think I was dreading the outpour of “it’s life, you’ll be fine, don’t sweat it” comments, but I was wrong to. It IS life, isn’t it?

      Thank you so very much for your kind words, they’ve made their way through the layers of mess I’m growing these days, to a place where there’s still a spark of something keeping me going.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I remember the fear, the “if I can’t even keep a plant alive, what am I to do with a child?” line of thought, I remember looking at myself in the hallway mirror, looking at my belly, at my very narrow hips, wondering if life could start there, inside me.
    And I don’t even want to start about me being scared I would turn out to be just like my mother!
    But at some point, there was a light in all that fog, and I knew I wanted a child, right then. And I did.
    I never felt so much love for anything and anyone, in my entire life, as I do feel for my kids.
    There’s no scale, there’s nothing to compare this to, it’s a feeling so immense, it cannot be properly described.
    So don’t worry, whenever you will feel yourself ready, just know there’s an endless love awaiting for you. A new you. Better and worst at the same time, happy and sad, but always full of love.

    Like

  4. Thanks for your follow, I thought I’d drop by and see your blog too. I so understand how you’re feeling. It’s January, the most depressing month of the year. I too have fallen out of love for where I am! But at least in London, you will soon be seeing the first hints of spring, here in Austria, I have at least two months to go. Bored and fed up with snow! It can also be that you are stuck in an office and you need some vitamin D if you’re not getting out much. We’re all apparently deficient in our indoors lives we lead. If you try some, get it from a chemist, as the usual cheap brands aren’t enough- I’m taking mine!!!
    Blessings, Anna

    Liked by 1 person

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